When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
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Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
o shit
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“i am a sweet baby”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope