When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.