When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.