When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?