Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!