When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
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it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too