Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

yeah not falling for this one

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries