When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
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DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
finally found a reasonable question
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”