When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
You Might Also Like
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.