When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread