When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
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I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
How do you milk an almond?
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?