Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

Be the reason someone burns sage.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

A little too much information.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”