When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
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why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Am I having a stroke?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.