When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
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genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
boat question
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
saving face 👀
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?