Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

O Wise One….

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.