When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
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Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.