When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
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me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Challenge accepted.
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.