when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
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“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I’m calling the cops.
