Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

#MeanwhileinCanada

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”