When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
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SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
True
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.