Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

Wasps: bees, but not helping

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.