Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.