Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

i guess his teacher was really pissed

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”