When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
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Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
when someone rings the doorbell
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Ah..makes sense now
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.