When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.