When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
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just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
omg leave her alone
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”