Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”