When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
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Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.