Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

Thank you corporation very cool

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album