[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
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Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
How it started: How it’s going:
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.