When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.