When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.