When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
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In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?