When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
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San Francisco has too many rules
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
What
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.