When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
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the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Well, this is awkward
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?