Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

This is a bad sign

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.