When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Ummm 😳
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
*fills out form*
*clicks “send me a copy”*
email: *dings*
me: ooh what’s that
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
