When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
happy mother’s day❤️
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Every photo I’m tagged in
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
