When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
some cats are just doing for fun!
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
