When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
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The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?