Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.