People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Mom: I brought you into this world and I can take you out
Me: Who taught you about laws, mom? Granny?
Granny: I’m allowed to kill everyone
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
why does everyone keep saying “i feel sorry for your wife” to me? WHY!?!?!
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.