When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Heroic Misunderstanding
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo