When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

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People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.



*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.


um, fish


The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.


*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”


Mom: I brought you into this world and I can take you out

Me: Who taught you about laws, mom? Granny?

Granny: I’m allowed to kill everyone


I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.


why does everyone keep saying “i feel sorry for your wife” to me? WHY!?!?!


You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.