When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
scares
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*