When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear