When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.