When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
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Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.