when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?