when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
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Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
the prophecy has been fulfilled
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Thursday
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Dead sexy!!
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens