Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

Found the job I’m suited for

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.