when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
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Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
💀💀💀💀
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”