when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
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When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?