when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
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Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one