Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

🤣

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.