When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
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Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
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I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.