Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

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I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.