Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

🤣🤣🤣

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso