When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale