When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.