When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
You Might Also Like
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.