When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
is it earth
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
incredible text to wake up to
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong