when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Born to be mild.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.