when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Phonetics
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.