When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[eats all your cotton candy]
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
