When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
