When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
You Might Also Like
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)