@lukeoneil47

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

@Tmoney68

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

@OhHiAlyPie

Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT

@ClichedOut

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

@PhuckinCody

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

@theroyaltramp

Look, I wouldn’t even run in a zombie apocalypse let alone chase after you.

@RichHarris2

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

@Mirimade

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

@Yankeegiant72

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.