I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
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How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Look, I wouldn’t even run in a zombie apocalypse let alone chase after you.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!
PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.