When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
what kind of cook setting is this??
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”