Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this came to me in a vision

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.