Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.