When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
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Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
barbara was highly relatable
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.