When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
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“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja