Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Spotted in New Orleans.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.