Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

the noise i just made

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson