When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
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I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Practicing safe sax
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words