When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
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My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
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chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.