when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
You Might Also Like
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Green is just blue that someone peed in
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.